Three Mistaken Beliefs About Asking for Help

I know that grief and sorrow are not the same for each of us and everyone’s situations can be very different. But there are some common messages that I hear and really want to address.

• My problems don’t matter.
• My friends don’t want to be burdened.
• Talking about it won’t fix it.

The first is a tendency to downplay what is happening for fear others have it worse. “It’s dumb to even mention this when other people have real problems.”

This isn’t a competition and you aren’t being judged against what others have going on. If something is troubling or upsetting to you, it matters. It’s important. And it’s real. You don’t need to minimize it because you don’t think it’s Problem of the Month material. Also, we sometimes handle bigger problems by working through smaller versions. For example, you might think it’s silly that you are bothered by something a friend said in jest, but that’s only part of the problem. The real issue is that you feel this friend has been distancing themself from you for months and that is what is really upsetting you. So, sure, maybe it looks to others like you are hurt by something minor, but there is more going on and it’s okay to feel what you feel in the moment.

The second is a fear that others will see you as a burden. “I don’t want to lay my troubles on someone else.”

Is that how you respond when someone shares something with you? Do you think, “ugh, I hate when my friends tell me that something is wrong in their lives.” Of course, you don’t. More likely your first reaction is that you appreciate their trust in you and you want to help them. And even if you can’t fix what is wrong, you are glad that you could be there to offer a willing ear, a strong shoulder, and a safe space.

So why would you deny your friends the opportunity to give you the same support? You feel good knowing you have helped a friend, so why wouldn’t you want your friends to have that same experience of feeling needed?

Trust that the people who care about you — friends and family, hopefully — want to be there for you in your time of need or struggle. They want to help. Let them.

And finally, there is the mistaken belief that talking about your problems won’t fix them, so there’s no point in doing it.

Yes, many problems require specific solutions — more money in your account, extra hours in your day, or a better job or home or car. You can’t chat those away. But most times, it can help just to share what is happening with someone else and hearing them say, “you’re right, that is a terrible thing and it must suck for you right now.” Yes, solutions are important. But those solutions sometimes start with the simple acknowledgement that your pain and struggle are real and you are doing the best you can.

If you are struggling with something and afraid to reach out because of any of the above, please know that you don’t have to handle it all alone. People want to help. And I hope you let them, because sharing a burden can often be the first step in resolving it.